How does self-forgiveness affect us?
The process of self-forgiveness starts off by us purposefully acting more compassionate, loving, and understanding towards ourselves while simultaneously letting go of grudges we might hold against us, granted we acknowledge our mistakes along the way. This state of self-awareness is embodied in two types of self-forgiveness: true and pseudo-self-forgiveness. More specifically, true self-forgiveness is rooted in guilt, whereas pseudo-self-forgiveness stems from feelings of shame.
So…which personality traits pertain to self-forgiveness? While some traits ameliorate self-forgiveness, others make it more difficult. For example, holding yourself to a perfectionist ideal in all facets of your life will lead you astray from the path of self-forgiveness. On the other hand, people with a heightened sense of empathy have an easier time forgiving themselves. A person’s willingness to forgive others is usually a sound metric of their propensity to forgive themselves.
How about our mistakes?
Everyone makes mistakes and fails sometimes. Usually, we start consoling ourselves by acknowledging our mistakes while reminding ourselves to avoid said mistakes in the future. Yet, is it this simple? Do we really learn from our mistakes?
Research reveals that our accomplishments do more to inform us rather than our mistakes. This phenomenon can be attributed to our self-esteem. When faced with failure, we prefer to ignore or block-out this bad experience in the long run.
How are we influenced by our peers’ experiences?
Contrary to our own experiences, the failures of our peers shape us just as much as their accomplishments. In other words, we have no qualms with failure as an educational experience, so long as it doesn’t erode our self-esteem. Perhaps this explains why tales about people failing are so fascinating to us.
Here is a song and a movie that handles the importance of self-forgiveness:
The movie: South Paw
Successful boxer Billy Hope (Jake Gyllenhaal) has his seemingly perfect life turned upside-down after the tragic death of his wife and loss of his daughter’s custody.
Down but not out, Billy inquires the help of retired boxer Tick Willis to push him back to his old self professionally and personally. The movie highlights Billy’s quest under Willis’ guidance to reclaim what he lost. Along the way, Billy wages many battles: some towards the people around him, some internal. As we embark on his journey, we get the chance to closely observe the process of self-forgiveness, healing, and how admirable achieving both is.
The song: Taylor Swift — Shake It Off
Managing to top the Billboard 100 for four weeks straight, Taylor Swift’s Shake It Off is a jubilant tune reminding listeners to take it easy and not to make a big fuss about life’s minor details. In an interview with Billboard, Swift illustrates what motivated her to write Shake It Off: She wanted to write a song that would feel relatable to those having a good time and to those who are going through a rough patch. Throughout the song, she delves on the notion that we should be more cheerful and compassionate when approaching ourselves, regardless of other people and our inner voice — both agents that can demotivate us.
Source: Eskreis-Winkler, L., Fishbach, A. (2019). Not learning from failure — the greatest failure of all. Psychological Science, doi/full/10.1177/0956797619881133.
Tangney, J. P., Boone, A. L., & Dearing, R. (2005). Forgiving the Self: Conceptual Issues and Empirical Findings. In 929082797 728096979 E. L. Worthington (Author), Handbook of Forgiveness (pp. 143–158). New York: Routledge.
